Today we tell the story of Jade and her experiences with psychiatric medication and withdrawal. If you wish to share your own Benzo Story we would be honored to tell it.
How it Began
I scheduled an appointment to see an Attending Psychiatrist at a Hospital in Taiwan Province. I did so because at the time, I felt sad and lonely.
I was prescribed three psychiatric drugs for me to orally take on the evening of February 10th, 2014 at a hospital in Taiwan Province.
The three psychiatric drugs were:
Zyprexa Zydis – Disintegrating Tablet
Midazolam – Non-disintegrating Pill
Biperiden – Non-disintegrating Pill
I do not remember how many days I orally took these medications. I can only tell the readers it was less than two weeks. It was within this time that I developed serious adverse reactions that eventually became my new physical illnesses and my new psychological disorders.
It is my view that I have been physically and psychologically harmed by the actions of the Attending Psychiatrist I saw who prescribed these medications.
Physical Illnesses and Disorders
Here are my new physical illnesses that I have as a result of severe adverse reactions. They are now chronic illnesses.
Mixed irritable bowel syndrome: diarrhea and constipation alternating.
Fecal incontinence and urinary incontinence: in direct connection with my mixed irritable bowel syndrome.
Numerous food and beverage allergies: directly affects my mixed irritable bowel syndrome. I cannot eat any food or drink any beverages from restaurants or cafes anymore – even restaurants or cafes which sell organic and allergy-free food and/or organic and allergy-free beverages, doing so will immediately trigger diarrhea for the entire day. Now, even the foods and beverages without any allergens triggers my mixed irritable bowel syndrome! Also, I cannot drink any carbonated beverages.
Allergic reactions to other medications such as cold medications, over the counter medications, natural remedies: these will exacerbate my mixed irritable bowel syndrome.
Undernourishment due to numerous food and beverage allergies and malabsorption. Before I could eat and drink pretty much everything – this is normal. Now I can only eat and drink six to eight different types of foods and beverages – this is abnormal.
Severe insomnia.
Intense hormonal imbalances: my periods are now extremely irregular – my periods stop for two months – and exacerbates my mixed irritable bowel syndrome.
Psychological Disorders
Here are my new physical illnesses that I have as a result of severe adverse reactions.
Extreme paranoia to dirty things – human and animal feces, urine, thick or thin mucus – especially foamy ones, sitting and squatting toilets as well as clear toilet water – of course toilet water with feces and/or urine in it – in addition to sitting toilets, squatting toilets are also used in Taiwan Province and Mainland China, even the floor itself – I cannot sit on the floor anymore. These will immediately trigger severe: hallucinations, delusions, illusions, anxiety, panic attacks, followed by obsessive compulsive disorder – written below.
Obsessive compulsive disorder – washing and cleaning my body with soap and hot water – especially after touching feces or urine or being sprayed by the same things, and after using the toilet – this is also directly connected to the extreme paranoia to dirty things.
Hallucinations, delusions, illusions, severe anxiety, panic attacks – especially seeing developmentally disabled people. I was also attacked by two developmentally disabled people when I was still living in Taiwan Province: the first attack occurred during daytime, the second attack occurred during nighttime. These are connected with the obsessive compulsive disorder I have.
Moderate and severe memory loss with problems spelling words and problems learning new things – I used to have excellent memory, excellent ability to spell words, could learn new things with ease.
Apathy to everything, spaced out, lethargic – especially after just starting to orally take these three psychiatric drugs. Then, as the days went by, the apathy to everything turned into uncontrollable empathy to everything – persists to this day and it is getting worse as the days go by.
Trusting no one, especially not any doctor – of any field of medicine – of course: no psychiatrist at all.
Prone to intense violence and aggression then intense paranoia – especially if happening unexpectedly or triggered. For example: someone throwing any type of liquid or solid object, whether it is dirty or clean, at me. When I was still living in Taiwan Province, I had – keyword: had – homicidal ideation and suicidal ideation.
Extremely hypersensitive to sights, smells, sounds – all of which will immediately trigger hallucinations, delusions, illusions, anxiety, panic attacks for me. Depersonalization and derealization were also present: I literally was in another dimension and now, I think I am still being manipulated then mutated.
Heard voices. When I was still living in Taiwan Province, after I started to orally take Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, Biperiden, I boarded the bus one night and heard this male with the evilest voice cursing at me: you are going to die! Now I was Taiwan Province, East Asia, and I was in an area where the English language was never spoken – except for very, very, rare occasions – such as a foreign dignitary is present in the area – there were none there.
I Am Still Suffering
I was, and still am, paranoid of the outside world from these medications and my mixed irritable bowel syndrome and fecal incontinence and urinary incontinence: these all resulted in me not being able to go outside, shop and eat, have fun, work, simply live life normally!
Because of these new physical illnesses and new psychological disorders I was forced to wear adult pull-on diapers starting from five years ago, at the age of 31. I am still wearing adult pull-on diapers. I am 36 today.
Also, due to the mixed irritable bowel syndrome, fecal incontinence and urine incontinence, I cannot take a proper shower or go to sleep on my back and sides: only on my stomach. As a result, I live on anti-diarrhea medications to calm my intestines, however temporary it may be.
Prior to orally taking Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, and Biperiden, I never had any of these illnesses and disorders. Therefore, I say the word and write the word: new.
I Had No Diagnosis of Mental Disorders
Even though no diagnosis of any mental disorders were given by the female Attending Psychiatrist I saw, I was still given Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, and Biperiden.
After three subsequent appointments with this Psychiatrist she went behind my back to tell my mother I had paranoid schizophrenia with psychosis along with bipolar disorder and the Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, Biperiden were the right psychiatric drugs for me.
I Was Not Informed
It was after taking these medications that I realized the Psychiatrist I had seen had harmed me. During our appointments she did not ell me how Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, Biperiden could cause severe adverse reactions.
When I asked whether these medications would harm me, she said “these medications will only calm your nerves.”
She did not provide me any links to authentic medical websites (that I now I know of) which will list all of the severe adverse reactions to these medications.
During my follow-up appointment I was prescribed more Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, Biperiden.
I hesitated to take these three psychiatric drugs due to fear of possibly dying from it and due to the fact I already developed severe adverse reactions.
After calling the Psychiatrist from my home and telling her I had developed severe adverse reactions after orally taking Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, Biperiden, she told me to abruptly quit the three medications.
Having no knowledge of slowly tapering from psychiatric drugs, ever, I listened to her and did so.
Abrupt Cessation (Cold Turkey) Made Me Much Worse
The abrupt cessation of Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam, Biperiden resulted in me becoming worse than before!
This is the fifth year I am afflicted with my new physical illnesses and new psychological disorders. Of course, my new physical illnesses and psychological disorders have become chronic for me.
I have to use disposable bed pads to prevent feces and urine from dirtying and contaminating my mattress then causing me instant extreme paranoia then a sense of intense helplessness – even though I wear my adult pull-on diapers. My now worse chronic physical illnesses also directly affects my psychological disorders.
I am also to a point where I have to switch from the adult pull-on diapers I am wearing right now to the thicker and more secure adult tab brief diapers – then lie on the bed pad and rest – and still hope I do not defecate and/or urinate on my mattress.
I also need to use body wipes to "shower off" because the pulsing motion of actual shower water will put me at great risk for leaking feces and/or urine from my diseased and disordered body system. Actually, I almost defecated in the shower many times – I take anti-diarrhea medications to try and prevent this.
To this day, I am furious at myself because I did not protect myself by not taking these medications, even though I had no idea of the dangers in orally taking Zyprexa Zydis, Midazolam and Biperiden.
If I had been provided with a link to a medical website such as: www.drugs.com – to search the severe adverse reactions to these three psychiatric drugs, then I would have discovered that Zyprexa Zydis and Midazolam are two powerful and potentially dangerous psychiatric drugs; and Biperiden is medium strength and can also be a dangerous psychiatric drug.
I would not become a patient-turned-victim in the first place.
In my view the Attending Psychiatrist I saw is a criminal who must to do time behind bars for doing what she did to me and possibly to other patients who schedule appointments with her. Unfortunately, she walks as a free person to this day – leaving me, the victim, to suffer in silence with no assistance from the Government or even a medical malpractice lawyer to help me win my case.
Final words from Benzo Warrior
Thank you so much Jade for your bravery in sharing your story with us. . We are here to support you as much as we can in the Benzo Warrior Community.
For our readers, if you are on these medications please do not stop abruptly (cold turkey) as the risks include seizures, psychosis and death. It is worth noting that anyone taking these medications is at risk of dependence, tolerance and addiction, even when taken exactly ‘as prescribed’.