Today we are telling the story of Martz and her journey of healing and recovery from benzodiazepines and other medications.
This is written in her own words. If you wish to share your own Benzo Story we would be honored to tell it.
This story contains a warning as it talks about suicide. Please use your own good judgement about whether this is safe for you to read for not.
Introduction and Disclaimer
I want to start my story by telling you that there is ALWAYS hope.
Please reach out to support groups for help and make sure to save your local suicide hotline on your phone for emergencies. It is utterly sad to say this, but not all doctors could help me. I had to do my own research to know what was busy happening with my body.
Knowing you are in tolerance or withdrawal is already a step closer to winning. Remember how scary it was, having all those weird symptoms and you did not know why you were sick? That, to me, was more terrifying.
I would also like to say that I am not a medical professional / practitioner. This is all about my personal experience and what had helped me cope. All our bodies are different and may have different reactions to supplements, foods and distractions.
I will also not be able to put an exact timestamp on my previous years as I never thought 9 years ago that I would have to author a story of how the medical system failed me and took away my life.
My History 2002 - 2009 - Trauma that lead to Benzos
I had a pretty steady, stable and outgoing social life looking back at 2002. I was a young 19-year-old with a great life planned. I had a pleasing job, had a couple of accomplishments, I had my own apartment, and everything was going exceptionally well. I was happy and full of life and healthy.
I started my first decent job in 2002 at a huge company in the scientific field. Being only a temporary employee, I proved myself to a point where they wanted to employ me on a permanent basis. I continued working at this company for 12 years. Probably some of the worst and best times in my life. But we will get to that in a while.
In 2004 I met a seemingly great guy; I fell pregnant and gave birth to a beautiful healthy little baby boy in August 2006. Some of my health issues started around that time.
I had developed high blood pressure during my pregnancy I developed gallstones about two months after giving birth and had my gallbladder removed.
Myself and my baby’s daddy (let’s call him Liam, to protect the identities of all involved) had some tremendous issues during that time. It turns out that Liam had lied about his marital status. He was still married and his ex-wife was pregnant at the same time as me. She was due a month earlier than me.
My depression started here. From 2005 onward, my mental health, general well-being and happiness went into a downward spiral. The years between 2006 and 2008 was without doubt the worse that my life has ever been. It was a vicious ongoing circle of emotional and physical abuse, emotional torment and blackmail. I suffered from postpartum depression too.
After Liam had an affair, I left him. He later committed suicide.
One month later, my dad got diagnosed with colon cancer. It had already spread. He was terminally ill. I will not go into too much detail because it is still difficult to talk about. He really was my EVERYTHING in this cruel world. He passed away one year later in August 2009. Anyone dealing with terminally ill patients will tell you what special kind of hell it is watching someone you love with all your heart, deteriorate in front of your eyes.
I barely had time to process Liams suicide and I was still trying my best to take care of my baby and giving support and care to my dad while he was bedridden. Luckily my mom moved back to look after my dad at the time, but we were still there 24/7 to help her.
I started dating a guy at work. I guess at that time, I just needed something normal and something to distract me from everything that has happened around me. Two months later, December 2009, on Christmas day, he dumped me to be with his ex. The one day I needed solace.
I inevitably suffered a complete nervous breakdown and I knew I needed help. But the help I got, almost resulted in my own suicide.
The Start of My Benzo Journey 2010
I was admitted to a Psychiatric facility in February 2010. Looking back now, I really do not know how I got diagnosed the way I did after the past years’ trauma.
I got Diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, OCD and ADD at age 26/27.
This was the first time that I had taken medication (except for some blood pressure meds I got after my pregnancy).
My first ever chronic prescription drugs consisted of Clobazam (Benzodiazepine aka Urbanol), Lamotrigine (This is an anti-convulsion drug given to me as a mood stabilizer) and Nuzak (aka Fluoxetine, Prozac).
I was admitted for 21 days, got the help I wanted, attended some therapeutic classes daily and to be honest, it was the first time in months or years that I actually felt a little more relaxed and I really felt some positive changes. The support I got from work, family and friends were wonderful. I kind of felt like a human being again and that my life matters.
This would take a horrid turn shortly though.
I returned to work, but I did not feel quite like myself anymore. Life was not enjoyable anymore. It was getting repetitive and I had a dark cloud hanging over me. I felt depressed most of the time and something was amiss in my life. I stopped enjoying things that would usually have made me joyful. I could not deal with being a single mom anymore and I wanted out. I could not deal with my responsibilities anymore. Looking back now I can clearly see that these feelings and thoughts I had, was side effects from the drugs. This was not who I used to be.
I did not stop using the meds at the time because I did not know any better. Side effects, withdrawal, tolerance, addiction… these were all words that I only figured out later in 2018. The dangers of benzos were NEVER explained to me, neither were the horrific side effects and the hell I would later discover.
The drugs were prescribed for 6 months and I was sent on my way.
Six months had passed and even though I felt nothing anymore for anything, I thought that this was just who I am now. I made peace with it. I had to go back to the doctor for a check up and another script, but I did not. I could not have cared less at that point, so I just stopped taking the drugs.
Tapering was NOT explained to me, and why would I research medication that a qualified and decent doctor gave to me?
Having the material, I have now, I can see how depressed and suicidal the drugs had made me. It changed who I was as a person. I went into withdrawal without knowing and luckily this time, it was not yet as bad as what was to come. I can only assume that my behavior at the time, was due to withdrawal. I did not take note of it because I never in a million years, would have thought that it was the medication.
Partying and Drinking
So, here goes the part where I threw my life away and became a complete mess.
I started partying and drinking non-stop, relationships never lasted for more than a few weeks, I was scared of being alone, I felt bad about my life and myself, I was fatigued most of the time, I suddenly had a very obsessive and impulsive behavior, I had anger issues, I made bad choices not thinking about consequences, suicidal thoughts never left but I knew I had to take care of myself even though I felt like a failure as a parent. I did not know what it felt like to be normal anymore.
At one point, I started bingeing over some weekends. Once or twice a month maybe. Starting on a Friday and partying right through to Monday mornings. I started to put in sick leave at work. I would wake up crying, fatigued, suicidal, nauseous, my body would be in pain, I had flu-like symptoms most of the time.
I could not understand why I got sick from the cocaine and my friends did not. But I was comfortably unaware that my body was going through withdrawal from the Benzos, SSRIs and Lamotrigine. DON'T TAKE DRUGS WITH MEDICATION, EVER.
I realized at that time that I needed help. Even though I did not do drugs every weekend, something was still wrong.
I went to my boss, told her that I think I had a problem and that I needed help. This was a huge mistake. If you ever want people to judge you and keep something over your head for years to come, then yes, do this. I cannot believe that I reached out for help. I trusted her. Rather turn to online support, friends, professionals.
I went back to my doctor around the end of 2011. I was admitted in a psych-facility, got put on Xanax this time, an SSRI and Lamotrigine again. I cannot help but to wonder why I was in a psychiatric hospital and not a rehab if it really was drug related?
Here is where things got really interesting and abstract. I felt calm from the pharma drugs. Xanax seemed to be working. Oh, the joys! If I had only known what the Xanax was busy doing to my brain. I have not touched recreational drugs since my admission.
Tolerance Withdrawal Symptoms
Other side effects came back later (tolerance). This time I got some weird symptoms too. Not only was I depressed again, I completely lost my will to live. I felt sick most of the time, I got flu regularly, my stomach was all messed up. I would stay nauseous. I withdrew from my friends and I chose confinement. I never went out anymore. At this point I had financial burdens too much to mention. I had loans from different financial institutions. I did not get by.
Most nights I would go to bed hungry. My son had to eat watered down oatmeal, noodles or dry bread. The stress was just too much to handle and I cried at work, I cried myself to sleep every night. There were times when I would fall asleep at my desk at work. I started losing weight and I was in terrible shape. But, as instructed, I did not leave my medication this time because I was told that this was the only way and that I need this or else I might end up much worse. I had no choice apparently.
About 6 months later in 2012, my script was supposed to be filled again and I had to go back to my doctor. But I thought that it would probably serve me no purpose because the medication obviously did not work. I just made peace with the fact that I am feeling like shit all the time. Was it just stress because I could not support my son anymore? Financial struggles, being sick all the time?! I would only find out in 2018.
I Cold Turkeyed - BIG MISTAKE
I cold turkeyed the Xanax, an SSRI and Lamotrigine. I honestly cannot describe how physically ill I was. It was a mission just to get up and get in the shower. My life was ruined.
I remember I put in vacation leave at work because my sick leave was depleted. I had to stay home. I could not even manage to drive. No one had answers for me. My GP said that I was just depressed and that I should take my medication, but I did not. Why would I? It did not help.
I know how difficult this is to explain to someone. I do not think that there will ever be words to describe this feeling. No one except fellow warriors will ever understand how this feel.
I took cocaine just so I would have energy to even talk and get myself in a shower. And then, out of nowhere, something happened, and I knew at that moment that I was going to die.
I broke out a cold sweat, it felt as if someone had covered my body in menthol rub. I started shivering, my jaw clenched, my heart started pounding out of control, it felt as if my brain was having a seizure. My body started shaking, my eyes started to twitch, everything went blurry, the world around me was spinning and I knew that was it. I thought I had overdosed on the cocaine. I thought that this is it. I am not going to make it. I got scared. I realized my son was at school and he had no one else. Who was going to take care of him, he is going to be alone? What do I do now. I cannot move, I could barely speak.
If you decide to judge me at this point, go right ahead. I would never intentionally neglect my child, but I was so sick from the benzos that I was not thinking clearly.
My friends got me outside to sit in the sun because I was so damn cold. They had put blankets on me and gave me some water and oranges to eat. Hospital was not an option because they were scared that they might go to jail if I was to die. Drug Addicts are NOT your friends. Please realize this NOW.
I managed to pick up the phone to call my cousin to come and help me and my son. He did. By the time my son came home, I felt a little better again, and I manage to compose myself for the sake of my son.
This, this right here, was a panic attack. My first ever panic attack. People with anxiety probably knew what I was talking about when I started to describe what I experienced. This whole ordeal lasted for about three hours and then slowly went away but later that night, I flared up again. The main problem here is that I did not know what a panic attack was. I did not know what went wrong and what was happening.
I stopped all drugs, medication, alcohol… everything. BUT I did not feel better for months to come.
ER Visits and Withdrawal Symptoms
My frequent trips to the ER and many doctors began. I can safely say that this is what happens when you cold turkey Xanax. You think you are dying. End of story.
I made a list of all my symptoms, including that I would use cocaine every now and then. I made 100% sure that I did not left out ANYTHING. I recorded everything because I was sure I had some type of underlying disease. Stuff that they show in HOUSE MD. When panic attacks happened, I thought it was something in my brain. No one told me that it might be anxiety and panic. If you google symptoms for panic attacks, its usually a life threatening disease which would make the anxiety even worse. There is no escape from that.
I took my list of symptoms everywhere with me.
I remember waking up one morning covered in a rash with a swollen eye. Off to the ER again. I got tested for measles and other infections and the results came back negative. You know, at one point you wish that something can be wrong so they can treat it. Nothing. Nothing ever came back positive. I was dying and no one had answers.
At that point I still did not know I was having panic attacks; I also had internal vibrations the whole time and I remember telling the doctor that it felt as if my organs were shivering. I had very bad vertigo, I felt dizzy and tired the whole time, my body was in constant pain, I was nauseous, I had tunnel vision most of the time, I felt weird, to a point where I could not even describe what I was feeling. I believe that at the time it was depersonalization. The heart palpitations and shortness of breath was probably the worse. I was scared all the time. I was too scared to leave my home.
Some days were better than others, and some days I could not get out of bed.
I met my husband in 2012. We started dating through all of this and I guess the excitement helped a little, but I never recovered. I was in agony and I was too scared to tell him about everything because I did not want to lose the one thing that I had going for me. I still had my job and I remember my boss saying that she is glad he is in my life because I am smiling again. but I was still sick and still looking for answers.
Referrals and Diagnoses
One of my GP's referred me to a neurologist because no one knew what was happening to me. I was in tolerance withdrawal from benzodiazepines. I can see it clearly now, but I just wish that someone could have told me.
The neurologist referred me back to my psychiatrist. I dreaded going back. I knew he was going to blame the drugs and I knew it was not the case at all. At this point I have not had any rec drugs since my first panic attack months back. So, I took the list of symptoms and went back to him. I was diagnosed with Anxiety… not Benzo withdrawal even though he knew I quit cold turkey.
This is where he blew my mind. He told me that he diagnosed me correctly the first time and that I will have to be on medication for the rest of my life. He said that because I even took time to make a list with my symptoms, that it was a clear sign of obsessive behavior. This is probably the most ignorant thing someone has EVER said to me.
Diagnoses in 2013: Bipolar disorder, ADD, OCD and Anxiety.
Prognoses: Cognitive behavioural therapy, Xanax, SSRI, Lamotrigine and ATIVAN.
Nothing really changed for the better after that. I stayed sick; I was less depressed, but I think it was because I eventually quit my job after 12 years. I started my own business and things were kind of okay, but I would still have frequent panic attacks.
In 2015 I was still on all my prescribed medication. My panic attacks would happen more often. I went back and he told me that he really does not know why I am still getting panic attacks because it had to be gone by now. So, he switched my SSRIs to another. This is another sign of benzo tolerance.
In 2016 my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and I started a new job. Things were hectic and my situation got bad again. I started taking more Ativan daily and still had no idea what a benzo was, how it worked, or what tolerance or withdrawal meant. I took it because it was “a mild tranquilizer that works great for panic attacks” – My mom passed away in October of 2016.
At work things did not go as planned. I got in trouble because of my sick leave - I had to take a lot of personal days to take my mom for her treatments. My boss tried to understand as I explained that I had severe anxiety and depression. Unfortunately, they could not renew my contract in June 2017.
I got married in 2017. I am not even going to go into detail about how phenomenal my husband is. I mean, if he stuck by my side since 2012 with complete support, you should be able to decide for yourself. The excitement of wedding planning etc did me good. I felt much better, but I was still not myself and I was not healed. I still had panic attacks and some depression, but I was not suicidal anymore so if that was the best it would get, I would take it.
More Changes to My Meds - And Still Sick
In December 2017 things got weird again (it was tolerance again. I know that now) and my Dr switched my Benzo from Xanax to Clobazam and doubled my antidepressant. I told him that I am taking Ativan daily, sometimes more than once and he just said that I should not take that many and that I should only use it for emergencies. He never told me why.
In 2018 I am still sick, but less depressed. I still had panic attacks.
In July 2018 I fell into a depression again that I could not shake. I was suicidal again and I was sure that I was going to take my life this time. My body was aching the whole damn time and the panic attacks got worse again. I started using opioids (Codeine) that year and evidently became addicted to it. In July 2018 during that black whole of depression and opioid abuse, I saw no outcome anymore.
I got extremely sick yet and the panic attacks got awfully bad again. Also note that I used my medication exactly how it was prescribed to me and this time I did not CT anything because I really wanted to feel better again. But I did not.
The crying spells would continue for days at a time and to be honest, I had NOTHING to be depressed or sad about. I have a great life, the best husband, I worked through my past trauma, so there really was NOTHING to be remotely sad about. Yeah, depression do not need a reason, right? That I know. But for someone who never had depression before a traumatic time, is a little weird right?
A friend of mine gave me some Valium to calm me down. And it worked obviously so I obtained it illegally. Please do not do stupid shit like this!
So, at that time, July/August 2018 I was using the following Prescription and OTC drugs:
Benzo - Urbanol (Clobazam) 10mg – Switched from Xanax 1mg
SSRI - Nuzak (Prozac) 40mg
Lamotrigine 200mg
Benzo - Ativan 1mg
Benzo - Valium 10mg (Illegally)
Concerta 36mg – Prescribed for ADD
Topzole 20mg – Prescribed for Gastritis (Gallbladder removed in 2006 and Hernia Op in 2013/2014)
Prexum 4mg (high blood pressure)
Lyrica 20mg (restless leg syndrome)
Codeine Opioids OTC (body and muscle pain
Cataflam for aches and pain OTC
Somnil sleeping tablets OTC
Valoid for nausea OTC
Note how many OTC medications I used. Not because of addiction, but to be able to deal with the side-effects and withdrawal symptoms. Also, please do not do this. It does not really help for withdrawal and tolerance symptoms. Nothing does. On the contrary, it interacts with the medication and makes everything worse and this can be FATAL. NEVER MIX OPIOIDS WITH BENZOS.
I realized how many pain meds I was taking, and I knew that it was getting worse, so again I phoned my doctor and told him that I need help.
Admitted to Rehab on August 24th 2018
LIFE CHANGING FOR THE BETTER. My "AH-HA" moment follows.
I got another psychiatrist. I could see she was shocked and unhappy about my medications. She got mad about the Ativan and wanted to know why I was on such a low dose of antidepressants. For the first time I felt as if someone was listening and I just knew that she was going to help me.
When I was admitted, the benzo count in my blood was 965ng/ml. It should be less than 100. The opioid count was 2169ng/ml and that was supposed to be less than 300. She told me that she cannot believe that I walked myself through those doors. I was shocked when I saw how shocked she looked.
I also had severe Vitamin D deficiency.
Her reaction made me worried and so I started putting two and two together. Why was she so upset about tranquilizers? I mean, they prescribe it to us?! The other doctors I have seen thorough this journey did not seem to care that I am on these meds?!
I spent most of the day googling Benzos and somewhere, somehow, the puzzle pieces started to fit. It was like someone had switched on a light. I remember crying because I could not believe how stupid I was to not do proper research. Here I was, thinking I was busy dying and that my life is over.
While I was in rehab, I joined a Facebook group. Benzo Recovery. They, together with that one doctor, saved my life. I am more convinced than ever. She took the time to explain most things to me. Not everything though, but I really do not care. She gave me an opportunity and open new doors for me.
I read the Ashton Manual and I must admit that I was laughing and crying all at the same time because of the relief I felt. So many emotions at once, BUT I finally knew why I never got better.
The Facebook Group helped in ways I cannot explain. Just the fact that I was not alone and that I can talk to people who understand.
She adjusted my medication and told me she wanted me off them as soon as possible. I felt like I could take on the world! Instead of pain medication, she ordered a physio therapist and stretch program for me. I also had acupuncture and it worked for my pain. I saw one person who claims that it made her symptoms worse, but its still worth a shot. Better than a pill anyway.
After a week, I already felt better but after reading the Ashton Manual and reading the stories in the Facebook group, I knew that I had a long road in front of me but I was ready this time and I had so much hope. I came out on the 6th of September and I knew I was going to win this battle. I was ready!
Last Dose 5th February 2019
I successfully tapered the Clobazam by 27 September 2018 – It was not easy, but I did not except it to be. I was still on Dormonoct and it was time to start the last benzo taper. I have done 2-week intervals with cuts. It was maybe too quick because I did relapse once, but I stayed positive and continued the taper. My last dose was on the 5th of February 2019. It was a living hell. It was terrible but I kept on telling myself that I was going to do it this time. I need to get my life back for good.
Symptoms came and go, I had waves and I had windows, I had some terrible days, but I had some really good days too and with one of those windows, I again felt what it was like in 2009 before I first took a Benzodiazepine. And that feeling alone is enough hope for me to get through this completely.
I kept a notebook with symptoms I had while on benzos, while tapering, some got worse, others disappeared.
On the 10th of October 2018 while tapering I had recorded the following:
Sleep apnea (this went away the moment I was off benzos), extreme anxiety and panic attacks, depression, nausea, headaches, severe DP/DR, muscle spasms, twitching, tremors, internal vibrations, mood swings, light and noise sensitivity, irritable, complete loss of libido, itchy and burning skin, fatigued, agoraphobia, suicidal thoughts, fear, palpitations, rage, memory problems, brain fog, tinnitus, crying spells, muscle stiffness, and sweating. (Smelly sweat)
It really was terrible and horrific. I cried most of the time, telling my husband that I do not want to feel like this anymore. I did not get out of bed, I closed my social media accounts, I ate everything I saw, nothing gave me pleasure anymore and I would yell at everyone.
At this point I had one friend left. I pushed all the others away because it was all about me, and it felt like they just are not there for me when I need to talk/cry/vent. I just could not deal with people anymore. It was just too much. I overthink everything and my mind would not slow down.
I was eventually done tapering the Dormonoct in February and soon after that (about two weeks) I started to notice that some symptoms were less frequent.
After a month, I tapered my SSRI and Lamotrigine too. I just felt like I was not depressed anymore and that I need to get off everything. It might have been a stupid move, but I thought I might as well do it, feel bad and get it over with. And so, I did.
I can confirm that Lamotrigine is almost just as bad as benzos in my experience. It was hell all over again, but I did it anyway. Without benzos in my way, I was unstoppable.
I was done tapering SSRIs on March 10 and Lamotrigine on March 23, 2019.
Today is the 4th of June 2019 and I am still counting.
Today I am free from the following and never ever will I take another drug ever again.
Sobriety Counter as at today 04-06-2019
Xanax – 489 Days
Alcohol and Cocaine – 289 Days
Ativan – 286 Days
Clobazam Urbanol – 251 days
Dormonoct Benzo – 104 days
SSRI Nuzak Fluoxetine – 68 days
Lamotrigine – 73 days
Benzo Free 104 days
So being off benzos for 104 days, which symptoms do I have left?
Still nauseous but my GP increased my Topzole so that is almost gone. I doubt that this will ever go away though.
Restless Legs – a scan I had done, shows that my spine is busy disintegrating. I doubt that this is benzo related even though benzos have a clear effect on it.
I still get some mild DP/DR episodes, but they are short, and I know what they are, so they do not terrify my anymore. I can see progress so they can come. I am not scared anymore. (I had one last week for about 3 minutes).
Heart Palpitations, yeah, sure, they are there sometimes, but I am also taking in consideration that I am unfit. I mean, I was at one point bedridden for a good three months without even opening a window.
And then those lucid bizarre and abstract dreams. But, on the positive side, how else will I know that my brain is healing without this?
Some quick twitches here and there, but they also come and go (maybe once or twice over a two week period). I look at them like little shock waves after the huge explosion. It does not affect me anymore.
I think our symptoms do get worse when we overthink and it is sometimes impossible NOT to.
We must realize that even healthy people have bad days and that everyone gets sick. We are also getting older, so a slight cramp here and there is normal. At one point, a muscle cramp would send me into a panic attack.
You guys know how it is! Worst case scenario first. Those obsessive thoughts also go away, but our brains also need to do some work. We need to train our brains from the start on how to deal with different situations. - It is normal to have the sniffles.
Remember, we are still human beings and getting a little flu sometimes, is NORMAL. Please do not go into Anxiety mode from a simple cold. It may not be part of withdrawal at all.
What have I been up to lately?
Well, I have a lot going on. I have not had a panic attack or anxiety for weeks now, so leaving my home feels great. (My husband’s wallet is getting it though hahaha) For the first time in years, I am leaving my home, happy to do some shopping. I can smile, laugh and talk in public and I do not feel dizzy, scared, do not have tunnel vision, for once it does not feel like I am on a bad acid trip. It would feel at times as if I was using LSD on a small boat on stormy waters. That is all gone. I am not afraid anymore.
I am doing photography again, but not groups of people yet. I photograph nature and do some online photography challenges. I have also continued my graphic designing business, but I do not really put a lot of effort in for now. I do not want to go too fast now as I am not completely healed so I am taking things slow.
I have started another business making hand-made Sugar Scrubs and Soaps and I must say that it is going better than I expected. So yeah, it is going much better than where I was a year ago.
I just wish that I can have my wedding day over. It breaks my heart that I was on so many types of prescribed medication. I want to feel what a normal bride feels like on her special day. There are so many things I wish I can have back to embrace without being sedated. I want to FEEL. But that will not happen, and I do not plan to take another man. I have gotten the best of the best. I really could not ask for more.
So, from here on, I am focusing on my marriage, my son, and myself. I have a lot of catching up to do.
My Tips:
Never EVER take a benzodiazepine for more than two weeks concurrently. Avoid it 100% if you can. There are other ways to deal with trauma.
Do research on your medication. Take a day and familiarize yourself with legitimate research done on it. Search twitter and get statistics. Go big!
Never quit cold turkey. Ever. NEVER EVER!
Don't mix prescription medication with recreational drugs or alcohol and also, avoid opioids completely.
Lastly, (IMPORTANT)
If you are depressed and suicidal, reach out to someone. Anyone. Remember, people can be jerks. We do not always get immediate attention from people we want it from the most. Be with the people that make you feel special, appreciated and worthy. These are the people who matter. We cannot control other people’s hate and insecurities. I know that needing acceptance in challenging times is common and if we do not get it, it makes the situation so much more painful and heart-breaking, but there are other people (even our animals) and we matter to them. Focus on them.
Do not rush the healing process otherwise it will only take longer with more relapses and that may cause you to give up. DO NOT GIVE UP THE FIGHT! EVER! PLEASE PLEASE DON’T! The rewards are priceless.
Again, DO NOT QUIT COLD TURKEY – IT IS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER OR EVEN DEATH. We do it because we think we are stronger than Hulk, but really, we are not. Not all of us anyway. Remember, healing is not your decision. You must go where your body and brain takes you. You can be positive, but your body may not be so positive.
Make friends in support groups. No one will ever know what you are going through as much as them.
This is particularly important, and some people may not agree with me here, but I feel like I have to say this. Do not contact a friend ONLY when you need a shoulder. That is damn selfish. Your friend wants to know about your good days too. Remember, that person is still only a person. If you constantly make it about you (yes, I know we tend to focus on ourselves only) that person will soon start to disappear too. No one want to be that friend that always just want to be there to listen to your shit. We need to remember that they may also have a difficult day and will not always be there to pick you up. You need to at least show that person that you really are trying.
I have seen it in groups too. The only time you see certain people, is when its going bad. You do not hear from those people when things are better. Try not to be like that. Even if you suffer immensely, you can still ask someone how they are doing and maybe ask about their kids or something they find interesting even if you do not care at that moment. Make your friend/family member feel special too. You will reap the benefits of that. I promise.
To whoever is reading this, thank you for taking the time. Thank you for caring enough.
There is ALWAYS hope. No matter how hard things are going. If you know that what you are feeling is normal even on days when it unbearable, you are already halfway there.
Keep on fighting.
You have a whole medical system to proof wrong.
YOU. CAN. DO. THIS.
Final Words from Benzo Warrior
Thank you so much Martz for sharing your story with us. We hope this helps others feel less alone with the experiences they are having as they take charge of their health and withdraw from these medications.
We are here to support those who need it in the Benzo Warrior Community. If you are withdrawing from these medications please know we are here for you.
It is worth noting that anyone taking these medications is at risk of dependence, tolerance and addiction, even when taken exactly ‘as prescribed’.