Today we talk to Olga who has agreed to share her experiences with benzodiazepines and withdrawal. If you wish to share your own Benzo Story we would be honored to tell it. This story has been written in Olga’s own words. It carries a TRIGGER WARNING for more sensitive readers.
How It All Began
My name is Olga. Before benzos my life was fun. I would hang out with friends. We'd go dancing. I use to live in Europe, to be exact for about 20 years. I lived in the Czech Republic, a small town called Usti nad Labem with both of my parents, my children, and my pets. I had 3 dogs and 2 cats. So I had a big responsibility.
Loss of My Parents and Increasing Responsibilities
I took care of my Father who was ill. My Father though passed November 2010. It will be 9 years that he's gone. Sadness just flew over me. I took my kids to school. I took my babies out for there stroll. It was fun.
My mother became ill after Dad passed. She was diabetic. She was in a coma once. When she was well she was able to come home and I took care of her. I was her full-time caregiver. My fun ended. I had more responsibilities than before.
I was taught how to inject the diabetic medication and to check her glucose levels. I did the shopping and cooked the meals.
On May 26, 2016, my mother passed away. I left her for a few minutes and she fell and hit her head . She had hemorrhage to the brain and was dying in front of my eyes. I didn't have a chance to tell her i loved her, and I was sorry, if I was there I could of saved her. I carried guilt with me after that. I wouldn't leave the house. I was in my own world , locked in my house. I thought if I left something would of happened. I just couldn't. My friends would tell me to come out. I said I couldn’t.
Xanax
We had a family Doctor. She called me a few days after mom died to see how I was doing. I told her what was going on. She checked my vital signs, measured my blood pressure (BP) and gave me a script for BP medications. She told me to stop by her office. On July 28, 2016 she told me about Frontin .5mg, which is Xanax in the USA. She told me it was Xanax. I said okay, not knowing anything about benzos.
She told me it will help me calm down, numb my feelings of grief. She told me to take in SOS situations, that this dose was for a baby. I believed her because she was a family Doctor I’ve known for 20 years.
She wrote me a script for 30 pills. I somewhat a little about SSRIs, but nothing about benzos. I took the medication home. In the box there is usually a pamphlet, I didn't even read it.
I opened the pill bottle and took out 1 pill. I stared at it for 3 hours. I am a big baby about taking new pills. I said to myself, trust her, she cares, I took half of the Xanax. I then was shaking with anxiety, i was nervous, i kept talking and couldn't shut up. I went to a friend's house. I felt fine.
SOS Use Turned into Dependence
After a while I would take it in SOS situations. I called it my happy pill. This pill was wonderful. I was numb. Nothing mattered. I told the doctor I was moving so she wrote me a script for 100 pills to take with me. We sold the house, in September 2016 I moved back home to Chicago.
I wasn't informed about dependency, tolerance or addiction, not even withdrawal. All she said was take this for your grief it will make you feel better.
Tolerance Withdrawal
I began having withdrawal on October 31 2016. I was trick or treating and I felt weird. I ignored it. I kept ignoring these weird feelings, muscle aches, twitching, headaches, brain zaps. When i didn't take the medication. I then started to wonder. I couldn't walk and I had vertigo, the shakes. I had to use a cane. So embarrassing. I was 42 yrs old.
I then wrote to the doctor in Europe an email. I asked why am i feeling this way. She said it was all in my head, to go out and enjoy life. So I believed her. . But i felt so shitty. When i took the Xanax I felt like me again. I couldn't take my kid to school. It stopped. I was dealing with something i couldn't understand. I needed help. I needed help now!
Brief CT and Tapering
I continued taking the Xanax. I was running out of pills. I wrote to the doctor and she sent me another 60 pills by mail. I continued taking them. I was already in a mess. i just didn't understand. Those 60 pills were going fast.
She wouldn't send me any more, and nobody prescribed them in Chicago.
I went to 5 different doctors. The answer was always no. So April 2017 I started searching and I joined benzo groups to help me with my journey of tapering. But before that I had started going to therapy in Dec of 2016. I told my therapist everything. She told me to stop the benzo and I won't have a seizure. I stopped the benzo for 6 hours. I thought i was gonna die . So i took it. I was fine. So yes April 2017 I began my taper. Fast at first because I was running out of pills and i was terrified.
I barely remember but I think i cut 5%. would cut everyday because i was taking it every day at this point.
OMG - shooting pain, brain zaps, air hunger, numbness, nausea, sleeping patterns messed up, headaches, sweats, intense muscle pain, burning of the skin, depersonalisation/derealisation, paranoia, anxiety, panic attacks, couldn't walk, shake, screaming, bedridden, couldn't shower, intrusive thoughts, suicidal, self harm, to name a few.
i slowed down my taper. i tapered on April 2017 from .5mg to .25mg to 0.03mg . I jumped on November 3 2019 at 0.03mg and I am now benzo free. The last dose I had a 24-hour headache, and nothing else, physical pain that is. a little anxiety, little dp/dr. but I'm pain-free, i feel wonderful. Thank God.
To anyone reading… Never Cold turkey. I understand what you are going through. The process will hurt, you will go through lots of changes until your body and brain (and the nervous system) adapt to not having the benzo. Slow taper, this isn’t a race. You will heal--I promise!
Final Words From Benzo Warrior
Thank you so much Olga for sharing your story with us. We hope this helps others feel less alone with the experiences they are having as they take charge of their health and withdraw from these medications.
It is worth noting that anyone taking these medications is at risk of dependence, tolerance and addiction, even when taken exactly ‘as prescribed’.
If you are in need of support as you withdraw and heal from these medications please join us in the private Benzo Warrior Community on Facebook.