The Light You Thought was Heaven is Hell - By Shannon Walker

The bass speakers screech off at 2am. Molly is excited to go to the after party with me but I can tell she’s wearing down but we were going at it for hours dancing. Now I’m tired but I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight. I can never sleep after being with Molly.

Back at my place, another named Ben Zoe who knows Molly - and who doesn’t know her in this group of strangers in my own living space. Ben came up to me out of everyone and said, “talk to my friend Xavier. Knows how to get rid of anxiety and put you to sleep since Molly is gone.”

Plagued by insomnia I followed him and when I met Xavier my life changed in an instant. Xavier turned. He was tall thin and handsome. Very well dressed in an all black casual suit. “My friends call me X,” he said to me with a charming grin, holding out his hand to me. And I took it.

Every shred of tension and anxiety and pain was slowly fading in that moment until I didn’t remember anything and drifting off to sleep. I woke up feeling like Xavier was a piece of heaven I’d been fortunate enough to meet. X was my heaven. We kept meeting. Usually when I needed him to comfort me from and anxiety attack or make me feel better after I threw up from IBS.

He was always there to comfort me in a way no one else could. He helped me relax. I felt like a better me when he was around. I was in love. And there wasn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for X or to get more of X. Molly was around. I still cared about her but only if I got to see X after. I started to need X because I needed the peace and sleep he brought with his presence only. But he always left so soon. Such short visits of Xavier’s peace. “Maybe having him around so much is starting to become an issue,” I thought. Yet every time I asked him to leave me we were stuck like glue.

I couldn’t get X away without losing a part of myself and maybe dying in the process. He didn’t tell me and claims he “didn’t know”. My body needed more of X to recover from panic attacks and to erase painful screen shot memories of my ex in bed with another woman.. blood dripping down my arms from cuts I put there myself.. my brother sexually exploiting me... they were coming back like they were happening. I screamed for Xavier, “Help me please! I love you and you always help me.” X looked at me with the most blank stare - I’ve never noticed how black his eyes were, “I was never meant to help for so long,” X said nonchalantly, continuing to stare; eyes getting darker. My heart was broken. I begged with X to let me go. He said, “I would but you’ll be in terrible danger. You could have a seizure and die from that broken heart. Looks like ill have to stick around until you can get rid of me without that danger.”

It turns out I thought I could fix the pain that Xavier made worse with this girl I was introduced to by my psychiatrist Kloe Pin. “People call me K-Pin,” Kloe said. she made me nervous but excited, “you can call me whatever you want.” and winked at me as I took her hand. She was really rather beautiful and I felt that feeling. THAT FEELING. The one that has haunted my nightmares since a child. All that faded the moment Kloe and I touched. Kloe was a lot like X tho she didn’t fill the heartache always. I fell in love still. It wasn’t as passionate or intense as Xavier’s and my love, but she gave the comfort needed and she stuck around a little longer than X would.

She would often tell me everything would be okay and would play with my hair as I drifted off to sleep. But then Kloe started to leave too soon. She would leave not long after showing up and when she was around I felt her presence less and less. I don’t know if I can do this anymore. I see Kloe on a bench after hours of searching and panicking. What if I couldn’t find her?!? I finally see her across the way and run to her “K-Pin!!! I need you!!!! You can’t just disappear I was freezing out there without you!?!? Please hold my hand” She looked at me with hard eyes and black hair. She used to look to beautiful to me now she looked scary. She gripped my hand and grinned at me. Instead of butterflies at the sight of her I terrified. She leans in rough for a kiss and I am in blackness. Again. I wake up next to Kloe. we’re in a cell. I look over and see two other familiar faces. “Molly?? Xavier???” I need to get out of this cell. I’m with everyone that ruined my life! GET ME OUT IF HERE!!!

Molly giggles, and X smirks, “the only way out is to dig the tunnel,” he gestures to a shovel. “You got yourself here so now you have to get yourself out,” she toss the shovel at me. I have no energy and have no strength. I could give. I’d be digging my own grave. Well stuck in hell with ex lovers is sure to get me killed anyways. I could just stay here and let them take over... it’d be so nice not to grab the shovel... and now put in the work cause that hike is gonna take month off not years of daily work. X and K-Pin sometimes help shovel dirt when I’m about to pass out but other than that I keep my distance. They’re not to be trusted. The world is not to be trusted and if I’ve learned anything from this cell is that once I’m out, I’m gone for good. Idk if I can make it. Hell is a deep place to dig from. But is that light up wayyyy ahead? Or am I just about to pass out again?

I’m not sure but it looked like a light from heaven.

This time the real heaven awaits.

Final Words From Benzo Warrior

Thank you so much Shannon for sharing your story with us. We hope this helps others feel less alone with the experiences they are having as they take charge of their health and withdraw from these medications.

It is worth noting that anyone taking these medications is at risk of dependence, tolerance and addiction, even when taken exactly ‘as prescribed’.

If you are in need of support as you withdraw and heal from these medications please join us in the private Benzo Warrior Community on Facebook.

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